The Darkness I Really Wasn’t Expecting
Sun rise on saipan October 10 2006
From my window ofr hyatt apartment I can see the thick clouds blocking the sun’s first rays as they appear to the East over top of the open Pacific. It’s 6:15 AM Saipan time and I’ve already been up for an hour or more.
It happened to me on this day when I got up I felt numb sense and my hands were not moving almost like paralised. It was a shock for me. I run to the hospital to find that I am told I will be paralysed unless a big operation is done. It was a micro surgery with great precession and it can be failed too. I also received the news that one of my br in law in Saudi Arabia passed away . another bolt from the blue .
Up until today I would have told anyone interested in listening just how happy I am to be alive. The feeling is indescribable really and quite often it comes over me after a momentary flash that all too quickly reminds me how my back was just cracked and need to fix my whole body as I am facing acute pain on my back. The fact is that it is nothing but a nerve dis order that need major surgery
Today for the first time in a long time, almost as suddenly as the those images of myself retracted on the operating table appear in my mind, I’ve had thoughts that perhaps it would just be easier if I wasn’t here at all.
The reasons are multiple, the rational non-existent, yet the feelings very real.
I half joked with friends before leaving for kerala India and concealed my emotions and took plane to cochin thinking that a father of three daughters where in kerala it’s a like a bad dream . Your responsibilities are much and you know its time for you to have 50 lacs Indian rupees for the marriage arrangements. But I took it light and preapared to face a new challenge with a body that is sick.
Touching down to overwhelming responsibility.
On Thursday morning at about 2AM I cleared CNMI customs after a long long day of travel including an 11-hour flight from saipan to Singapore into cochin a 4-hour layover and a 3-½ hour flight from Singapore to cochin . I forgot my back pain as I thought of seeing my family members and my beloved wife Elizabeth. and just happy to be home when it landed safely.
My wife met me at the terminal and after a short 5 minute ride I walked in the door only to find my daughters waiting for Daddy to come home. All of them looking taller.
The cremation of my br in law was on the same day I landed at cochin. The very next day I went to see the Doctor and I was told about a major surgery. Pain was too much tried many things and finally I lost all hopes of recovery without a surgery. But finally we met kochappan chettan at poonkunnam . That turned out to be a a special day in life . According to his direction we went to mysore and seen Dr Iqbal mohamad the kind of marmani treatment . We could reach there in the morning and we were lucky within 5 minutes I was OK. I again came back into life.
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